Now and Then

In the past,

I knew it would never last.

I'd say that I was okay, but now I know,

That was all just a show.

I'd smile and agree,

How could he not ever see?

That I was lying,

To keep us from Always fighting.

Finally, I had to pull the plug,

Crush that depression like a bug.

I was always down,

Never making a sound.

I was always afraid,

That his good mood would fade.

I couldn't stay in that cage,

Always scared he'd use me to take out his rage.

It's over, it's done,

I won.

Now I dance when I run,

I spread my arms and twirl in the sun.

I sing as I walk,

I'm Never afraid to talk.

I Never have to go through that again,

Amen ;)

Now, I smile!

I can run a mile,

And not feel tired.

When I'm with you, I'm always inspired.

Having you, I'm so blessed.

Back then I'd never have guessed,

That I'd be where I am now.

Wow.

I find myself smiling as I'm walking down the street,

Imagining if, on this sidewalk, we'll meet.

You're amazing,

I never know what each day will bring.

You're a constant pleasant surprise,

You're better than all the other guys.

You're you.

You have no attitude.

You're mature.

My cure.

But you're still exciting,

unpredictable and enticing.

I know I sometimes do something wrong,

I start to feel like I don't belong,

Like I don't deserve this

Or any kind of bliss.

I love that, when I do, you know

You can feel when something's off

And you don't scoff.

No one else will see,

But, you'll say Stacy Marie..

Then you get in my face

And all the bad stuff, you chase,

Away.

And you keep the demons at bay.

Before you, no one had ever seen me,

Not at this degree.

We fit so perfectly,

It's just you and me.

Heavenly.

You

It's like a dream,

Supreme.

From anything I've ever felt,

So different than any other hand I'd dealt.

Melt.

Your eyes,

When they locked on mine,

Shine. 

It was a sign,

From above.

Love.

I never knew it before,

It was lore.

Fake,

Exasperate.

I love to stand with you,

It's nothing like I was used to.

Your warmth, your strength, your care,

It's rare.

Walking, our hands intertwine,

As if by design.

I hope you know,

I don't know if I can ever show,

The amount of what I feel,

It's real.

Consuming.

Empowering.

I've found you at last,

Heart's beating fast.

All these emotions arise,

Tears in my eyes.

Tears of joy,

Cuz you're my boy.

The words, I can't even think of

Love.

Everything we've already been through,

What we will go through,

Perfection because of You.

Understand

There’s something in my tone that’s off

It’s not a scoff

Cough

Clearing my throat, I’m thinking

Trying

Hiding what I’m feeling

I never lie, but I find loopholes

To keep myself safe, away from assholes

Who clamp on to vulnerability

Suck like leaches with no kind of civility

I won’t be hurt

Hit

Or thrown down

In your own hate, I hope you drown

What is wrong with you?

Can’t you see,

That what your doing is hurting me

I can’t trust anyone

I can only trust myself

There’s no one to help

Listen

No one to care

But it doesn’t matter, cause I don’t like to share

What’s going on in my life

It’s my business

Not yours

Chores

That’s what I am.

A burden

A counselor

I help, but do not get helped

Is this a problem?

Unhealthy

Probably

But it doesn’t matter, because no one can see

That I’m falling

I don’t let them

It’s my own damn fault, I’m to blame

Shame

It’s all some kind of game

It’s a battle for power

A struggle for dominance

Dance

I’m cracking

My shields are being torn away

Decay

To my dismay.

I left

Said Goodbye

I’m done

Through

There is no more me and you

Now I’m in another world

There’s something about you that’s different

I like you.

I’m getting attached.

That’s a problem

It’s only natural that I’m pulling back

Stepping away

Expecting an attack

Smack

But it doesn’t come

Why?

I don’t know

Confused

In this constant state of unknown

This is unmarked territory

I want to run, push away

But something is holding me back

It’s you

What do I do?

This isn’t normal

Not what I’m used to

Where’s the yelling?

Fighting?

Screaming?

Trust

I want to give it to you

But this is new

Something will happen, I know

Something that will break this newfound flow

Negativity

Captivity

In my own mind

Fears

I can’t show weakness

Put down my guard

Yet, I do when I’m with you.

Pride

Fear

It always goes back to fear

Fear of being hurt

Taken advantage of or something worse

I want to talk

Explain

But how can I?

When even I don't understand

Trust

Look at me.

I need you to see,

The truth in my eyes,

These aren’t lies.

I’m not going anywhere.

Honey, I care.

I know things suck right now,

People are stupid and you don’t know how

Things could possibly work out

On this route.

Look at me.

I need you to see,

That I’m not leaving.

“Don’t stop believing.”

Stop yelling. Stop running away.

Stay.

I know everyone gets scared,

It’s because you’re being caught unaware.

I can’t promise perfection,

I can only offer protection.

Look at me.

This is all sincerity.

Please, don’t push me back,

I don’t want space; I want to stay on this track.

Moving ahead, side by side

I know that we can glide

Past this shit and away from the unjust.

I just want your trust.

Baby, I need to know what’s wrong,

You don’t have to always be strong.

Look at me.

I’m not going to just give up and let you be.

I want to fix it.

I’m here to commit.

Look at me.

Believe me.

Trust me.

Paranoid

Unrecognizable
Unpredictable
Undefinable
Unreasonable
I can't keep running from something I can't explain
It's about liable to make me insane
But what can I do, when I feel what I feel
It seems too real
Whirling around, ready to confront
Is this a joke, some kind of stunt?
Am I losing my mind?
My wits have been redesigned...
No longer do I have commonsense
I'm so tense
You're lying!
Don't try denying!
I'm not blind, I can see,
This is fucking mutiny!
Who do you think you are?
Do you have a fantasy of being in charge?
This is my post,
I rule this nation from coast to coast.
You think you can beat me?
Well, sweetheart, let's see...
I'll shoot you before you take a step
You won't know it's coming. There's no prep
Backing down won't help you
The challenge you made, you can't undo
I won't let you go, I won't be made the fool!
Kid, you should have stayed in school
One threat down, another to go
Who can I trust, man, I don't know
One wrong turn and I'll be bleeding out
These people I'm around, they were no boy scout
Clutching my gun, keeping it close
No information can I disclose
What has this come to, how did it get to this?
This feeling I can't dismiss
You were my friend, my pal, my bro
My life, to you, I owe
But looking at you now, all I see is a traitor
You're standing there looking at me. What, you think you're greater
This is my Empire, my regime,
I break your neck, and I am supreme
Running my hands through my hair, frantic
All I can do is panic
I turn around and there you are, whispering,
You get on your knees, screaming that this is a misunderstanding
I don't believe you,
This revolt I will subdue!
Everywhere I look there's disobedience,
Disrespect, sabotage and insolence
Part of me knows I'm losing my senses
But at this point, I can't give up my pretenses
I'm always annoyed
So much trust I've destroyed
I'm paranoid

I Fight

Give me a reason to back down from this fight,

Are you so sure you’re right?

Do you dare get up in my face?

You’re first move, do you now want to erase?

After everything I’ve gone through, you think you scare me?

You’re such a newbie.

You make me laugh,

Are you doing this for your own behalf?

What are you trying to prove?

You’ve got guts, I do approve.

But, you’re sniffing around the wrong alley,

If you keep this up, you’ll be in for an interesting finale.

Antifreeze courses through my veins,

Barely an ounce of patience remains.

How about I give you some advice,

Before you start a fight, you’d best think twice.

You don’t understand what drives my survival,

And until you do, don’t try to be my rival.

I’ll beat you fast and make you hurt,

So you’ll think again about what you took.

I fight with you everyday,

For some reason, you never stay away.

Are you looking to get in another hit?

Another crime, you want to commit?

Wasn’t the first enough to squelch your blood lust?

You are so cruel, vial, and unjust.

You must not see it: it’s like you put a part of you on a shelf.

How can you live with yourself?

Is this how you make up for what you lack?

Beating up on other kids until they’re purple and black?

I will never let you hurt me, my family or my friends,

You should try to make amends.

But I know you won’t.

Instead you play on peoples fears,

Thinking your success is near.

What if I told you that you’ll never beat me?

Would you give up? Stop? Finally see?

I will never give up. I will never back down.

It’s you who should skip town.

What are you getting out of this?

Does it bring any kind of bliss?

Why do you cause so much tension?

Are you so desperate for attention?

Think about what you’re doing,

Think about all the chaos you’re brewing.

I fight to keep standing,

Do we have some kind of misunderstanding?

Why must you always attack me?

This is all you’re doing, don’t you see?

Why?

Are you trying to tell me goodbye.

As friends you’re supposed to have my back,

It’s not for you to smack.

What’s going on with you?

What are you trying to work through?

Just talk!

Do you think I’m going to balk?

I’m not going to rat you out…

If you have to, shout!

But you need to tell me something; otherwise what we have is history,

Help me understand your misery.

Don’t just throw a punch at my face,

I don’t want to give you space.

I’ve had enough of your lies!

Through your cruel words, you’re real feelings arise.

So give up this tough guy act,

Tell me the facts.

I see through you now,

Any more of this shit, I won’t allow.

With all my strength I will fight,

Let’s make this right.

Lost

In a world of schedules and order,

Here I find myself trapped in a corner.

With no way out and no looking back,

How did I get off the beaten track?

Is this all part of the plan?

To get me feeling down and questioning who I am?

I don’t understand what’s going on with my life,

What has caused all this turmoil, rage and strife?

All I know is that I’m so angry, all the time,

But I don’t want time to rewind.

Where I am, who I am, and where I’m going,

I’m going to keep on growing.

Looking back, wanting to turn around,

It’s only going to get me stomped to the ground.

But, I’m so lost, alone, and scared,

If people get too close to me, my defenses are flared.

Just tell me what I’m supposed to do!

Why was my vision askew?

I just don’t understand…

I’m hoping you know what you’re doing… that this was part of your master plan.

Am I wrong?

Will this pain be life-long?

I’m standing here with the wall to my back,

Wondering why the world won’t cut me some slack.

But, this is my test,

And I’ll conquer it with zest.

Nothing can keep me back, because I’m now awake,

It’ll be a piece of cake.

I hope,

No, I know I will cope.

It’s who I am,

I will always get myself out of every jam.

I refuse to run, hide, and cry,

On the horizon, courage, I spy.

But, there is no map or back roads,

I am alone as the shell of my misery erodes.

I will fight to get free, to be happy,

I will find me.

But, right now I’m going on a trip. How much does a map cost?

Because, for now, I am lost.